Auntie Steve
Auntie Steve sells Herbalife and is always trying to get everybody to come in under her and stop wasting their time at 9-5s. She looks put together, but all her clothes are SteinMart irregulars.
Auntie Snoop
Auntie Snoop looks like this whenever you call her. She looks like this at the family reunion and at Family Dollar. She looks like this at church, at Golden Corral, and probably at work too. She drives a champagne-colored ’05 Toyota Camry with a bumper sticker that says My Son Made the Honor Roll at George Washington Carver Middle School, even though he been graduated and works for the post office now.
Auntie Joc
Technically, Auntie Joc is still married, but ever since she got that Pam from Total haircut, we’ve been waiting on the split and for her to move across town with a “roommate.”
Auntie Meek
Auntie Meek is the bougie auntie who only comes to the cookout to tell her broke sisters to stop having babies by men with no job. Meanwhile, her husband is under investigation for securities fraud and his mistress has been getting all the good gifts lately anyway.
Auntie Jay
Big Mama actually had Auntie Jigga when she was 13, so she basically like Big Mama Junior. All of her kids so old you forget they your cousins. She drives the biggest Buick you have ever seen.
Auntie Jah
Auntie Jaheim not even your real auntie — she just live across the street from your Big Mama and she always comes to her cookouts. Nobody knows how many kids she has or if her husband lives over there too. She’s either a school principal or a drug dealer — or both — but none of that matters because she makes the best ribs.
Auntie Lenard
Auntie Lenard went to Howard, reminds you of that fact every half hour, and does something in journalism or media and is always on vacation in the Caribbean. She got pregnant right after graduation — the relationship didn’t work out, but they still co-parent.
Auntie Future
Auntie Future been out the closet since the 80s and is happily married to Karen, an anthropology professor from up north somewhere. Auntie Future teaches sociology at the same school, Vassar or Bryn Mawr or something, one of them lesbian schools.
Auntie Sean
Auntie Big Sean is 100% messy and the length of her wig directly correlates to her mood — the longer the wig, the more chill. No wig at all means she came to snatch somebody else’s and everybody is on high alert for the tea.
Auntie Ferg
Auntie Ferg puts KFC in tupperware to bring to the function and tries to pretend she cooked it, like we don’t all know what KFC tastes like.
Auntie Diddy
Auntie Diddy is the head usher at Mt. Pisgah AME Zion Missionary Baptist Church. That’s her real hair, but it’s been the same length since you were born even though she’s always “trying to grow it out.”
Now, go do something nice for your favorite auntie. I’m bout to text mine.
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