For the uncultured, a circuit party is a big event where gay white men with expensive gym memberships dance around to electronic music in various states of undress between hunting for their next conquest. And there are probably lots of drugs here and there. Pines Party is a beach circuit party serving as the highlight of the summer season in the Fire Island Pines, a carless little gay enclave on one of the barrier islands of Long Island. Sexual capital is your currency in a party like that. How much you have to spend will determine what kind of experience you have and you can break it down into a handful of categories. You’re trying to get to a high score of 50 points.
- How hot is your body? Not in an “every body is a beautiful body” sort of way. Be realistic and rate yourself from 1 to 10 based on how many people would approvingly look at you if you took your shirt off in a standard gay bar in a large, metropolitan city. I specify that because your score in Tulsa is way higher than your score would be in Los Angeles or NYC, so we’re going on big city ratings. Give yourself that many points to start, and then double it. This is your most important weapon.
- Do you have a hot face? Rate yourself 1 to 5 here (face is less important than body). If nobody is randomly calling you handsome on the street, you do not get five points. Same Metropolitan Rules apply here.
- Who do you know? Contrary to popular belief, if you’re not a Perfect Ten, you don’t look worse next to hotter friends — they’re actually an asset because other hot people will be nicer to you. Give yourself another 1 to 5 points based on the attractiveness of the people you know and how many of them there are.
- Who knows you? Are you a minor gay celebrity? Does everybody on Gay Twitter in NYC know who you are? Do you walk into a random gay space and wave at more than 20% of the people? Do you usually find at least 2 or 3 people at a gay event that you’ve hooked up with? Add three points. Add another two points if you have a popular OnlyFans or you’re a known porn actor, producer, or photographer — this means, regardless of what you look like, you have access to hot porn people.
- Do you have a lot of money? A high paying job? A trust fund? A mysterious source of wealth? A sugar daddy? Add three more points. If you are poor, take away three points…unless you are able to give the illusion of financial stability, in which case, keep your points the same. Again, Metropolitan Rules here — your cost of living in Des Moines is not comparable to what the big city gays are spending.
- How big is it? If you’re a top, I’m talking about your dick. Bottoms, how nice is your ass? Add two points here if you are blessed in your particular area of expertise.
- Are you white? If so, add ten points. If not take away two points. Sounds brutal, but being white is still the biggest trump card. You can be out of shape and unattractive, but being white will still open some doors.
How many points do you have? Don’t lie! Be realistic or you’re setting yourself up for some disappointment while you’re trying to live in your delusion. I, being gorgeous, stylish, and humble, still only managed 12 points, out of a possible high score of 50. I might as well just go back in my house and never leave again.
So let’s take a detour and talk about one of my favorite topics for a second — myself. Why would I even go to Pines Party? Well, I’ve been saying Yes! to more things this year because not only am I getting old but the country also may be ending, so might as well try everything once. Plus, when I got invited by a friend, I thought Hmm…yes, I would go on vacation with this person. However, I didn’t actually see him all that much because he brought a boyfriend, and I didn’t really know anyone else in the house, so this brings me to…
Rule #1 – Research
Do your research first. Pines Party isn’t really just that one party — it’s pretty much a whole weekend of stuff. Look and see what you wanna go to, what’s gonna match your vibe. You probably know other people who will be on the island that weekend, so find out what they’re doing and where they’re staying in relation to you. The main party is an all night affair from evening to sunrise, and you need to plan for that if you wanna stay for the whole thing and have the sunrise experience. And check out those VIP packages because…
Rule #2 – Know Yourself
I got VIP tickets because I am easily overstimulated and I wanted to be sure I had a place I could dip off and sit down away from a crowd. I also know that I don’t love circuit music, let alone 8 hours of it. Because of that, I wore my earbuds that look like jewelry so I could turn on Whitney or something if I needed to decompress. I also took a book to Pines Party. I made a pocket for my Kindle inside my outfit and I definitely read a few chapters of a John Grisham when I’d had too much too drink. And! I took a nap. Around 2am, I left the party, grabbed a sandwich on the way out, and went back to our rental to take a nap, shower, and change into warmer clothes because it was getting too cold for my outfit. Not to gas myself up, but in my opinion, I had one of the top tier outfits…
…and even though it was fly and creative and I made it myself…
Rule #3 – Know What You Look Like
Let’s talk about those points you gave yourself above. I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this, but you are not going to have the same Pines Party experience of a white gay with muscles. The dancefloor of a circuit party is probably the gay space least conducive to meeting anyone because in a lot of ways it feels like a big hunting ground, and they are not hunting for you. Unless you just really love dancing by yourself to circuit music you really don’t need to bother with all that unless you have at least five friends to bop up and down with or 20 points. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up. There are plenty of people who are perfectly reasonable in any other space, but give them some drugs, a thumpa thumpa, and lots of hot men nearby, and they will see right through you. Mama don’t get your feelings hurt with unrealistic expectations! Out of roughly 8 hours of Pines Party, I spent approximately 75 min on the dancefloor, but I did meet some of the most dynamic, creative, charming people outside of the dancefloor because…
Rule #4 – Find Your People
Somebody has to actually put on the event. Somebody has to perform. Someone has to make outfits. Someone has to make the culture that everyone wants to flock to — those are your people. I got buddy buddy with everyone from a NYT bestselling author to the host of Drag Race France because there is such an interesting cross-section of gay life that ends up in the Pines. I spent an hour eating Subway and smoking with a guy who gives free sewing classes to underprivileged kids. Because I started a program at a domestic violence shelter way back when, we compared notes on government funding for youth programs. And then we made out and swapped outfits to take pictures in each other’s costumes. It’s actually not only a circuit party for white gays, but speaking of…
Rule #5 – Go to Other Parties
Everyone is nicer in the Pines and nicer at smaller parties. I had a great time at Pines Party, but I had a much better time at every other party I went to. The opening pool party, closing pool party, tea, every party at someone’s rental…these are the parties where you will actually meet people, even people that you may not really have a reason to cross paths with in your every day life. Of the 13 new people in my phone from that week, only two were from the actual Pines Party, and of the remaining eleven, most of them are gym gays I would not have had a reason to go up and talk to in NYC. I only have about 12 points at Pines Party (how distressing!), but I have a lot more points in any environment where I can have a conversation because I’m charming, I’m super inquisitive and I love to learn so I have an endless number of things I can talk about with anybody, and I’m funny. Which brings us to the last rule…
Rule #6 – Be Confident
The most attractive quality you can have is confidence in yourself, and the confidence to own your strengths and be realistic about your weaknesses. This will help you own your space in any environment and capitalize on your own talents. Everybody has something. I was not blessed with the dedication to be strict about a diet or stick to a workout plan. If that’s your talent, then go to Pines Party and let that hard work shine. Use your body as the gift that it is and let other people who are looking for that come and flock to you. I was blessed with a voracious appetite for random information and a really impressive ability to focus on even the most boring topics. You wanna talk about Mennonite communities in Argentina? I’m obsessed. You wanna talk about the gargantuan size of insects in oxygen-rich prehistoric atmospheric conditions? I love that. You wanna talk about the absolute dominance of the Chicago Bulls during the Phil Jackson era? Let’s get into it! But that’s not going to shine on a dancefloor. My hunting ground is a couch in the VIP, mixing drinks at a house party, or taking a break from the pool to get some snacks. What’s your superpower? Are you hilarious? Crack jokes. Are you creative? Wear the most fabulous beach fits you own and people will talk to you about your get up.
Whatever your jam is, be all of that and don’t try to fit into a box that you think you have to be in because of what you see on Instagram. Sex sells, so generically hot people are always more visible, but that’s not all there is. There is more variety in the Pines than social media would lead you to believe, even if they’re not at all of the parties, which was a little bit of a surprise to me. But what I found to be most eye-opening is the fact that a lot of attractive people are insecure and don’t bring their full selves to an interaction because they’re used to meeting other hot people on a superficial level of mutual attractiveness. Once you hop past that little wall, you often find another regular person to chop it up with and to find mutual interests and commonalities.
So, if you are not a hot white man with muscles should you go to Fire Island? Yes. There’s no other place really like it where everyone you see is not only gay but also friendly. I’ve never been around so many friendly gay men in my whole life. Everybody is living their best gay life and making new friends.
Should you go to to Fire Island during Pines Party Week? It’s a yes for me. I heard some great DJs at those smaller parties, reconnected with some old friends, made lots of new friends, wore lots of well-accessorized speedos, and fell in love multiple times. You can get a lot of that experience any week, but Pines Party Weekend will have a lot more daytrippers and just more people in general with their party pants on.
Should you go to the actual Pines Party? It’s a no for me, but it may not be for you. It’s really expensive and I don’t even want to be there the whole time. I’m not in love with the music and those same people I met in the VIP, I saw at other parties where I could’ve met them just as easily. I’m glad I went, if only for the fact that I got to rekindle my sewing itch making my outfit and satisfy my curiosity. And overall it was a success!
And because that was so successful, I shall now pursue my next curiosity which is a viable partner who can clean after themselves, not get on my nerves, and hold down a job. If I believe it, I can achieve it!
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