1. I’m about as obsessed with Tom Holland and Zendaya as any grown as millennial can be…which means I don’t care all that much, but I think they’re adorable and I will pinch their lil cheeks if given the chance. Oh, and I randomly watch clips of their interviews when they pop up on Twitter. Such delightful young people.
2. Y’all. They are acting in this movie. Dare I say, as a whole, this may be the best acted Marvel film? Andrew Garfield is clearly the best Spiderman and he very nearly made me cry three times I think. Tobey Maguire is a little shit, but he was holding his own as well. Tom and Zendaya rose to the occasion. Willem Dafoe! My god. Best comic villain I think? They were all acting for the back of the theater.
3. I hope Dr. Strange gets to go on vacation soon. They really wearing dude out.
4. Seventeen-year-olds are annoying. But they are not stupid. Especially the ones on their way to MIT who have been to space and saved the world. I cannot believe they wrote Peter Parker the way they did. If I don’t like a main character, I don’t like the movie. And I could not stand the Peter they wrote for this movie. (more in the spoilers)
5. They giving Happy a lil too much. I don’t actually need him to have so much screen time.
6. There’s too much screen time in general! I was ready to gooooooo. I didn’t think Marvel could make a movie feel longer than Eternals but I stand corrected.
7. Fan service is a tricky thing to pull off successfully. You have to satiate the loyalists’ desire while keeping the attention of the casual viewers. I’ve never seen a pre-MCU Spiderman so I didn’t know Tobey or Andrew or any of their villains. I thought they did a good job. There was chemistry between the three of them (or at least, faked chemistry) that I didn’t expect and I got a decent sense of who they were in their respective franchises. I wasn’t applauding or cheering, because I didn’t care, but I was impressed that I was invested in the two previous Peter Parkers with so little exposure to them.
8. Something feels wrong about seeing Tom Holland in his underwear.
9. Something feels right about seeing Tom Holland in his underwear.
10. Is anybody going to address the fact that Peter Parker is a 17-year-old science nerd who can perfectly tailor spandex without a serger? I have watched Project Runway for two decades. And I can sew. That child is not making performance activewear.
11. My problem with this movie is the plot. I feel like the writers knew the beats they wanted to hit and slacked off with the journeys between the beats. Nothing Peter did felt in character with what he would do given what he’s been through, how smart he is, and how a rational human being processes information. They wanted a cool battle sequence for Dr. Strange to show off and a cool battle sequence for the three Spideys to get together, but nobody put much thought into how those things should happen. (more in the spoilers)
12. Somebody fill me in on why the InfoWars Alex Jones guy hates Spiderman so much. That much fixation does not seem healthy to me.
Score: 6.5
Spoilers!
13. So, I think you can give this movie an extra point or two if you have some sort of investment in Spiderman because everyone seems to be universally over the moon about it. I don’t care about Spiderman and I’ve only watched the Tom Holland ones because I’m invested in the serial nature of the MCU. I like a sprawling interconnected story — I grew up on NBC soap operas. I think that attachment to the character’s three iterations and the excitement of seeing them together is honestly clouding the fact that this plot is weak y’all.
14. If I have someone in front of me who is an expert in their field doing something extremely dangerous and they tell me to shut up, do you what I’m gonna do? I’ma shut up and let them do their work. In no universe is this kid, who has been to space with Dr. Strange and who has seen what he can do and knows how serious he is about his shit, gonna keep interrupting him while he’s doing his work. MJ only knew he was Spiderman for a week. So what if she forgets? Just tell her! This man is holding the universe in his hands and you are bothering him about your GF and your BFF forgetting you’re a superhero? You can literally just tell them. That right there sent me out of the movie and I really never got back in.
15. Are we to believe that bad guys aren’t bad anymore and we can just fix them all with a little science? Your lil girlfriend’s dad from two movies ago wanted to kill you, and judging from that creepy Jared Leto Bat-Villain trailer, he still does. You gonna do a little science and make him sweet? The sandman in this movie allegedly just wanted to go home, and yet did everything in his power to make sure Team Spidey could not succeed. Sparky didn’t have a coming to Jesus — y’all just took his batteries. You broke the entire universe for five people? Do y’all realize how many innocents are about to die during this story arc because Peter Parker couldn’t send five supervillains home to die? Where they had been dead? Because they were running around killing people?
16. I remember the Sokovia Accords. The Avengers were kneecapped a bit because they kept blowing stuff up and accidentally killing people. And they have recovered from that black eye to become universally loved again. They have a whole Broadway show dedicated to them in Hawkeye. Spiderman is in that Broadway show even though he wasn’t even present at the battle depicted in said Broadway show. They all just brought half the population of the universe back. But a SWAT team showed up to an apartment building on the sayso of a rightwing nutjob who hates Spiderman? With no investigation? No second guessing?
17. No Way Home made Peter Parker into a bratty little incompetent with no sense of responsibility or logic so he could break the world in order to get three Spidermen on screen. He made a stupid decision to save five villains in order for Aunt May to die. And Aunt May died because Marisa Tomei told writers she wanted there to be more focus on her community organizing. They had these beats to hit and some really lazy writing to get us there.
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